I am not the woman he married.
Written by OMSHt: Hopeful, Inspiring, OMSH, photos 15 Comments
Yesterday I was IM’ing with a friend on the topic of marital satisfaction – specifically, the much needed balance where both partners have their needs met. This particular blogger happens to be the “giver” in the marriage, whereas the spouse is the primary taker. Needless to say, my friend is tired; in love, but tired in a used-up kind of way. It was refreshing to hear the hope, but heart-wrenching to hear the lack of fulfillment.
Until recently, I’ve considered myself the selfish one in my marriage. In a discussion with my husband not too long ago, I was surprised to discover he thinks the same of himself. We attributed it to our mutual fulfillment in each other, but it wasn’t always so.
Two days ago we celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. Thirteen years feels like a long time. Thirteen years is a long time.
Not all thirteen years were like the past year – or the year before that. In fact, the first five years were pretty much unbearable. The following two years, up until the seven year marker, were measurably better, but it wasn’t until after we scaled the seven year hump that things started flowing smoother; the major knots worked-out to minor tangles until we were able to comb through things with familiarity and ease.
I don’t believe any two pair of people are alike, so this isn’t my advice – just sharing my experience. Both Jeff and I like getting to the bottom of things. The fastest way to an answer is asking questions. Our method for a rich marriage is simple and yet, effective. For us, there are no magic formulas – just questions and answers.
Like most people we talk to, Jeff and I have a deep need to feel loved and supported, however, the way we experience fulfillment of that need is entirely different. So, not too long ago we began a process of asking direct questions and giving direct answers.
Last year our question/answer session went something like this:
One Question: “What do you need from me to feel supported?”
Me: I need to have uninterrupted work hours. I want you take the kids out of the house occasionally so I can plug away at the computer without stopping to get someone a drink, break up an argument, get down a box of legos from the closet, or any myriad of other things a mother is called on to do.
Jeff: I want to know that dinner is planned when I call to say I’m coming home. Not that dinner is cooked – we could go out to eat for all I care – but that dinner is planned. I don’t want to think about or plan dinner.
When we look back on how we integrated each other’s desires into our marriage, it is obvious where we listened and equally as obvious when we did not.
And? There have been changes since that time. Now that my youngest is in full-time Pre-K, my main work hours are during the day, so I don’t need as much extra time to work on weekends or at night. With both of us working, we’ve started sharing the responsibility of planning and preparing meals – so it doesn’t rest solely on me.
Another Question: “What do you need from me to feel loved?”
Me: I want you to be more vocal. Say the things I see hiding behind your eyes. If you think, “Man, I love her.” I want you to say it. If you think, “Her eyes look beautiful in that shirt.” I want you to say it OUT LOUD to me.
Jeff: I want you to get off the computer when I come home and just be with me for a while. I want you to initiate sex more – pursue me instead of being the one pursued.
As you can see, the questions and answers change, but the bottom line is to get to know each other over and over again.
We are changing, our needs our changing, our desires are definitely changing. In response to my answer to the question above, Jeff began vocally sharing his thoughts about me (some of which were rather…um…exciting), and the positive, indirect result he experienced was an increased libido – I pursued him with unrestrained fervor that he liked.
Our marriage will not become stale as long as we don’t stop refreshing it with new ideas, new suggestions, new requests, and surprises…the surprises are fun.
I am not the woman he married.
He is not the man I married.
I love him more than the man I married and he says the same of me.
That’s how we do it.
What do you do?
January 16th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Oh, I enjoyed this so much. Welcome, and thanks!
January 16th, 2008 at 9:37 am
a girlfriend of mine who is an Episcopal priest says people are as hungry for relationship skills as some are for food.
thanks for dishing out this hearty soup. and welcome 🙂
January 16th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Welcome aboard Heather. It is good to have you, and this is a great post. I could use some major relationship skills development.
January 16th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Heather, congratulations on your 13th year of marriage. It sounds like you have a very fulfilling one and I can only hope that my marriage goes the same way.
My husband and I have been married almost two years in April (but going on 7 years that we’ve known each other). The first year was rough but the second has been smooth sailing. We still feel like we’re in the honeymoon stage.
Thank you for this post and I appreciate the Q&A part. It is really helpful.
January 16th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Bipolarlawyercook – I’m glad you enjoyed it!
kyran – I would agree with your friend wholeheartedly; definitely a vacuum in the heart!
Suebob – Thanks for the warm welcome! I’m always working on relationship skills development OUTSIDE of my marriage…the hermit in me wants to stay nice and cozy in my home and not venture out to taste the world of other relationships. THAT I have to work on.
Daly – That first year can be a killer. When I hear of people who had an easy first year I always wonder when they’ll deal with that first year. Seems it comes around at some point.
January 16th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
THIS is a beautiful post. I can think of nothing more important than that kind of communication. After a year of separation that was leading to divorce and the lack of communication preceding it, (there were other factors involving health, as well…) that sort of discussion could have saved a lot of difficulty. We’ve come around to something similar and it has helped rebuild our marriage into something far stronger and more rich than it ever was before.
Lovely to see you here. 🙂
January 16th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Keri – I love to hear of marriages REBUILDING. That is incredibly refreshing. I’ve seen it in my own extended family. Not easy – but sooooo worth it.
January 16th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
We had our difficult first year most of the year we dated before we got married, since for most of it we lived in different states. That was haaaaard. But we made sure we talked, a lot, about what we needed from each other in the circumstances and I think we started out our marriage the better-prepared for it. We had already had lots of practice in the give-and-take that all good relationships require. And since my husband is in the Navy, which means regularly being separated for long periods of time, we are reminded of how important it is to think about what we really need from each other and then to ASK for it, because when your only contact with someone for six months is via email and maybe one or two phone calls, things get boiled down to essentials real fast. I don’t expect Troy to read my mind, and he doesn’t expect it of me.
January 16th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
OMSH, I followed you! Yay for the wedding theme, thank you for the utter honesty about marriage not being perfect. I’m looking forward to being married, especially now that I’m engaged, but I also realize its not going to be a fairytale where everything falls into place and nothing takes work. Every relationship takes work, and a marriage even more so, from what I’ve seen. My fiance is a professional athlete, so I think thats also something we’re going to have to hammer through, especially when/if kids come along, because he’s on the road a lot.
Though we’re not married yet, we’re taking steps now to head off a lot of problems we’ve seen people go through. We’re doing the required marriage prep at our church, of course, but we’re also seeing a marriage counsellor, who can help both of us lay out what we want out of the marriage, and what role we each expect the other to play, etc.
We’re also seeing a financial planner, making a long term financial plan (including retirement, especially because his income depends on physical health, college funds for future kids, everything) and consolidating finances before the wedding. They all ask some pretty tough questions, but if you can’t answer them together…maybe marriage needs to wait. (Thats my justification for the prying strangers)
All in all, we’re trying to set ourselves up well, so we have the potential to make it in the long run. Things still won’t be perfect, or easy, but knowing that we’ll have the outside support of friends, family AND a team of professionals helps. Now if someone else would just plan the actual wedding day for me…. (OMSH, I’m looking at your mom). 😉
January 16th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
bethany actually – In our 4 short years in the Army Jeff and I were apart for 7 months. I don’t know how you do it. I am so thankful for our military wives, b/c THAT is a sacrifice of the entire family and takes a lot of strength and faith for the marriage.
Vanessa – YEA! It sounds like you are going above and beyond in taking steps for a healthy marriage. And though I’m not a marriage therapist (my husband is, but I’m not), I will say that it only makes sense that taking care of the pre-counseling and ESPECIALLY finances is sooooo smart.
hahaha! My mom would soooo not want to do that again. Well, perhaps for mooooooolah…and lots of it. Wedding planners (good ones) are worth their weight in PLATINUM!
January 24th, 2008 at 1:06 am
What a lovely post, Heather, peppered by lovely photos of you and Mr. OMSH. A lot of feeling in those words of yours. Thank you for sharing from your heart!
January 24th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Thank you so much for this post. We’re coming up on the 4 year mark in June and although we’ve made great strides (and hoo boy was that first year a doozy, mostly due to some serious unexpected health issues on my part) but some days it really feels like we have so far to go still. I married later than most of my friends, so they are all coming up on 8, 9, 10 years and give me great encouragement that if continually worked on (not picked at) the bumps do eventually even out and sometimes even flatten completely away.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Ree – Thanks for your words. 🙂
trena – It is so sweet when you work hard at something and it grows into something beautiful and so very intimate.
January 25th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
A wise woman once said sure you can stop cooking and doing his laundry for him…thats just what he needs to realize he doesnt really need you after all.Thanks Mom for bringing it home to me .Heather thanks for sharing.
February 12th, 2008 at 3:32 am
So, why haven’t I read more of you. I am cramming it all in my all nighter (can’t sleep).
There is not much more that I can say that others haven’t, but how refreshing it is that two people love one another and want nothing more than to be loved by that person!!!! With this crazy world… sometimes I feel we are the only ones’… but we’re not. Thanks.