t: kelly, make a difference 4 Comments
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.-Alfred, Lord Tennyson
In keeping with the theme of making a difference I’m trying hard to live an authentic life that puts my mental health first and foremost, but that keeps coming with other prices that I didn’t expect to incur. That means making lists on sticky notes and posting them around my house to read and re-read in the hopes that they help heal.
Right now my healing is coming from my very close relationship with my mother that survived teen pregnancies that none of us could foresee but that, nonetheless, affected my family in ways we probably haven’t fully dealt with yet. For the curious, I’m writing this here instead of there because it feels safe. Whether or not it is remains to be seen. A very long time ago I made a 100 List of things about me and wrote that after having my daughter at 15 *I got pregnant again before she turned one and gave up that baby for adoption. 20 years ago. Time flies when you’re trying hard to stop being a complete fuck-up and prove that you still have a brain.
Healing, then, has me doing a few things:
1. Seeking counseling even though it’s getting tough and leaving me in tears each time.
2. Yoga and/or breathing exercises accompanied by stretching. Sometimes the stretching is in bed, other times on the floor after my body is dragged from that goose-down bedding. So. Hard.
3. Quiet time.
4. Working on a book. Also hard. And trying to find a way to channel a passion for getting internet to the impoverished. A weird passion, I know.
5. Writing, screaming, yelling at God. That one is a doozy. Pretty soon the yelling will have to subside into softer pleas, but I’m not there yet.
I’m hoping all these things will help to make a difference in my life so that I’m not full of regret at 70 years of age. While there is knowledge to be had, I prefer the wisdom that remains. Whatever wisdom is out there I am 20 years smarter because I want it despite the great fear I have for writing it here just now. Be kind. Don’t recall that tough, smart-ass chick I have been portraying. Instead, remember a tender creature hoping for healing by making a difference in the small things.
How fitting that I would click on a link on my own blog to this tonight. Shannon was asking for advice from Birth Moms and I surprised even myself for commenting. This has been in my closet for far too long. If I am to heal, I have to share.
*I deleted it later fearing something. What? Something bad, I was sure. Writing for this site has made it less scary.