t: mrs. g. 3 Comments
When it came time to potty train her daughter, Mrs. G. went to the library and read all the books. She tried gentle guidance, positive reinforcement, and dramatic reenactments. She created incentive charts with shiny gold stars and succumbed to the parental degradation of bribery-Skittles for number one, Jolly Ranchers for number two. Mrs. G’s daughter would beg for Beauty and the Beast big girl panties and then promptly pee in them when she got home. Nothing worked. Until one night, as she pulled the last Pull-Up out of its bag, Mrs. G, crocodile tears in her eyes, looked soulfully at her daughter and said I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is it. This is the last Pull-Up. The last Pull-Up left in the entire world. The company has gone out of business. Her daughter looked fearful and distressed as she wiggled herself into the last Pull-Up. The last Pull-Up on the planet. The next morning, Mrs. G’s daughter woke up resigned and heavy hearted. She walked into the bathroom and forlornly threw the Pull-Up into the wastebasket. She walked away, shaking her head slowly, as if to say well that’s that. And it was.
Why are we going to bed when it’s still light outside? asked Mrs. G’s children when she was tucking them in. The sun is still shining and kids are still playing outside! Mrs. G. would shrug her shoulders and show them her watch which she had set forward an hour ahead and say I don’t know what to tell you, but look it’s 8:00. It says so right here. Both of her children looked skeptical as they crawled under their blankets, so Mrs. G. avoided direct eye contact and kissed them goodnight. Then she went upstairs and made herself a gin and tonic.
These are GIRL pajamas!!!! screamed Mrs. G’s four-year-old son when she handed them to him to put on. Maybe in this country, countered Mrs. G. in an effort to keep the hand-me-down train rolling, but in European countries, pink is considered a powerful and lucky color for everyone. German kings wore pink; it was the color of royalty. Are you sure? Mrs. G’s son asked. Absolutely! I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Now hop into these bad boys, brush your teeth and let’s get you to bed.
BUT IT’S NOT EVEN DARK OUTSIDE!!
I know what I’m talking about here, and you will not stand out. Every kid at art camp will totally have lentil soup in a Nancy’s yogurt container for lunch. Sandwiches are out. Bean soup is in. Trust me.
I promise this is not the bad stuff. This is the good stuff. It tastes exactly like fresh oranges. Just like an orange Popsicle. No, I swear, just like orange sorbet.
Sweetie, your glasses were super expensive, so I bought this pretty little chain for you to hook onto them, so you won’t accidentally lose them. Look at the pretty beads. All the elderly librarians kids are wearing them now. Oh, honey, look at me. You look fabulous. No, they certainly do not look weird. Take my word for it. You’ll be seeing these on more people in no time. You’re a trendsetter!
Reader, what lies have you told your children?